Friday, August 1, 2014

Day 16 - A song that makes me cry

I would rather post about a song that makes me happy.  I don't always like talking about what makes me cry, the reasons I cry are usually because of something painful. I know it is important in order for my readers to understand me and that I should put it all out there but I'm not going to like it!
I'm not really a church goer, that's a whole other story that I may go into one day, but I was raised in the church. My Dad had an amazing singing voice, and often sang in the choir. We sang a lot around our house, but it's the hymns that stick in my mind.

When ever I hear "How Great Thou Art", I struggle to keep it together. I can just hear him. See him. Feel him. I miss him.

Another, more contemporary song that gets to me is One of these days by the Foo Fighters. I remember listening to the radio on my way to see my Mom when she was in the Palliative Care home. The lyrics struck me. I knew that we didn't have long. From the time she was diagnosed to the time we lost her was less than a month. It went very quickly. It was a rough ride. The tears flowed as I drove to see her. To sit with her. She couldn't talk, she was blinded, she couldn't move. I felt the same. I sat and knit and just was there. It was too hard to think about the reality, to think that I was losing both of my parents.

One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat
One of these days the clocks will stop and time won't mean a thing


One of these days your eyes will close and pain will disappear

I'm pretty sure they aren't talking about losing someone in terms of someone dying, but it fits just as well. Now, when I hear this song, I remember that time. I remember taking those drives to the next town, the town that was supposed to be a home for us both again, to visit my dying Mother. A disease where we as a her children had to decide to not treat it because she would have had no quality of life. It wasn't a cure, there is no cure, it simply would have prolonged her death and left her an invalid (she had already lost all control of her left side, including her vision and speech). But after having to decide to pull the plugs on Dad, it seemed so unfair that we had to make this choice too. 

Gah! See, I told you I didn't want to post about this. It's all rather depressing now, and that is not who I am. Yes, I've had depression, I've had depressing things happen in my life, but I don't like to dwell on it. There is too much to be happy about. Too much to celebrate. I had amazing parents, and i am thankful for their love and guidance. Thankful for how they raised me, what they taught me and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. I know they were a rare gift. Does it suck that I lost them so early, why yes, yes it does! But I at least had an opportunity to have them for as long as I did. Always a silver lining, that's the greatest lesson they ever taught me.

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