Friday, May 6, 2011

On my own...

Maybe it’s the weather (it’s a bit gloomy out after having been sunny and warm yesterday) or maybe it’s the week’s worth of eating lunch on my own but I find myself being introspective today. I am hearkening back to my University days (that could also be because the College radio was playing “retro-tunes” which were cutting edge when I was in University – boy does that make me feel old!) when I sat alone in the University Centre eating lunch for the 2nd week in a row…thinking to myself, “I need to make some friends.”

While I do have several “work friends” I don’t seem to be in any of their circles and am not called upon to luncheon. Which leads me to question, why am I not in their circle? I am outgoing and friendly, I make myself known others and introduce myself easily. Many have commented that I know a lot of people here at the College, and I do. But I don’t really. I know them as acquaintances, familiar faces around campus that I have interacted with for one reason or another, but I’m not really their lunch buddies and I don’t see them outside of work related activities. SO I am left to my own devices and sit lonely and worried during lunch hours as they pass.

Do I need to be more, I don’t know, something here? More friendly perhaps? More open, giving of myself? When people ask me how things are going I usually give the standard fine because I don’t want to bore them with the troubles in my life, the details that are boring and mundane or overwhelm them with the ABC’s that are the ups and downs of living with a sick mother, a husband in full time school and two little kids.

Maybe I need to be less? Maybe I overwhelm people and leave them thinking – “Whoa, stay away from her, she’s too much!” Maybe they didn’t want to hear about Mom being in the hospital, or that baby boo’s allergies haven’t let up yet? Do they really want to know that my life is a whirl wind of activity and I’m stressing to fit it all in?

What do I need to do to alleviate this lonesomeness? Maybe next week I will have some lunch dates and feel less isolated, and maybe I will get to know my department mates the longer I am here (it’s only been 7 working days) and have lunches with them. Maybe I won’t feel it as much another day as it will be bright and sunny (I can dream right?!) and I’ll make a point of not listening to the retro tunes playing! Finally, maybe I will accept that alone time is good; I rarely get it at home anyway! Maybe AF is on her way and that's all this is...damn her for ruling (and ruining) my life!

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