Time...

It's nearly 5 a.m. and I've been awake for about 2 hours now. I know, I know, my body is prepping me for the big job I have ahead of me - feedings every 3 hours et. al. But come on, I just want to have more than one night where I sleep through. Or at the very least that I am able to easily fall back asleep after my multiple trips to the toilet.

The worst part of it though, I have all this time on my hands and nothing good to do with it. I obviously can't be rambling through the house finding the odd jobs to do that I've been wanting to do for weeks at this hour, well I could but it just wouldn't be fair to those that live with me. Although the company would be nice with the exception that all said potential company would be crankier than I having been rousted from their slumber just because I fail to be able to sleep. I keep thinking I should write, or blog, or read, or research or something that I talk about doing in my more lucid waking hours but to be honest I don't really feel like I have it in me. Ummm...yeah, I know, I'm blogging right now but seriously my head hurts more with each word I type and I'm pretty sure this will be a rather incoherent rambling of thoughts.

Honestly though, it sucks to have all this time on my hands. Time that I'm awake and completely and udderly unable to be productive. In 12 hrs from now when everyone is awake, and I'm home from work and I can take advantage of their assistance for my grand design of things to do I will be exhausted, and even more incoherent than now and will attempt to blend in with the couch with the great hopes that someone will feed me, water me and let me sleep!

The cats are confused...they keep looking at me like I've interrupted something. They are nocturnal creatures, I'm not. I'm confused too. Why can't I just get a little sleep?

My first Bloggy Award!!

I can't say that I troll some blogs because I actually make my self known, and I can't exactly say that I am a die hard follower or blogger either since my life is just a little bit chaotic to fit it all in but I can say that I frequent quite a few. One of the ones I frequent - Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings, that I met during my TTC journey that began nearly 3 years ago, has nominated me for what I can only assume to be a very prestigious award!

Part of the "rules" state that I'm supposed to nominate 10 blogs that I think are worthy and award them so that they too will fill out their list of 10 things that make their day but I don't have 10 blogs I regularly frequent (or at least don't have 10 that know I'm there!) so those of you that read my blog here is my list of 10 things that make my day!

1. Hug and a kiss from my boys - That would be my spouse of 13 yrs and my 6 yr old son. (I'm currently gestating another boy and I can't wait for him to give me hugs and kisses too!)
2. As mentioned above, I'm gestating. It makes me happy to feel that little lump kick and punch me just to remind me he's in there! (Like I could forget my lap is mostly gone and it's a bit awkward typing this with my arms stretched out to reach the laptop keyboard because if I rest it on my belly he will kick it and make it even more awkward to type!)
3. My Kitties. How can you not love a soft and furry little creature that purrs? Plus they always know when I need them even when I don't know!
4. Chocolate. Dark Chocolate. Need I say more?
5. Witnessing or aiding someone taking a step towards fulfilling their potential. I work in the Student Life Department of our local College and love to watch the students grow and develop through academic and non academic experiences.
6. Laughter. This likely should be higher on my list. Laughter is so important in life.
7. Logging on to my favourite sites. I have a number of places that go to in order to follow the lives of women who have and are suffering through Infertility, some I have met others that I haven't - all are equally precious and important to me!
8. Coming home. I'm a home body. I love my job, I love my life, but I truly value coming home and just being in my own space, with my stuff, and my couch!
9. Movies. New movies, old movies, movies on the big screen, movies on the couch, movies in bed, action flicks, chick flicks, sci-fi flicks, kids movies...I think you get the point. I love watching movies, and quoting movies too - it's a big culture in our house!
10. Finding time. Finding moments that I can do things for myself, by myself that make me happy. A bath, read a book, write in my blog, read a new recipe, etc. It's the little moments where I don't have to be Mother, Wife, Daughter, or Employee and have the energy to be me!

So thanks for nominating me!! Even if you are the only one reading, it sure was great being nominated and thinking about my Happy 101. There are lots of things that make me happy, I'm a pretty half full kind of girl but it never hurts to really think about what things make my day!

Sandwiched

It's not the peanut butter or Jelly that's getting to me, it's the slices of bread on either side! I am officially entering the proverbial sandwich generation. I've got a six year old and am 30 weeks pg and this weekend my Mom moves in with us.

Originally, the thought/plan was that when we (DH and I) were ready (aka financially stable) we would look at our forever home as being a place that would have room for Mom and Dad to have a "granny flat". This would be either a separate residence on our property or a duplex style home that would give each of us independence but also keep us close enough that it wouldn't be an inconvenience to care for them. This plan originated about 3 yrs ago when my Dad's kidney's started to get worse and dialysis became immanent and my Mom was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia. Two sick parents, me (the only daughter) and the overriding desire to care for them as they had cared for me.

Financial stability has been somewhat of a challenge. I have a great job and it is only looking better for my future. Despite the upcoming mat leave I continue to be the bread winner (my work tops me up 93% - who wouldn't want to get pg, be off work for a year and still make a decent salary!?!). DH on the other hand is in yr 2 of his 3 yr program and although he has work terms, we have tuition and inconsistent and truly insignificant income from him. So that dream home/property is not in our immediate financial grasp.

The granny flat is now only going to contain a granny. Dad went in for heart surgery September 2008 - calcification to the aortic valve caused by kidney disease. Fairly routine. He recovered the first day and appeared fine. Day 2 he was delusional and we knew something was wrong...he got a hospital infection. By the time we were told there was nothing more they could do for him in December, he had had a total of 7 hospital related infections! (He had some good months in there, and we were able to visit and let him know how much we loved him.)

Now that there is only a granny, a grieving granny, it seems that plans have changed. To make her life more affordable and sustainable she asked if we were still interested in the "Master Plan" and wondered if we would let her move in so she could save and we could save. I am willing to welcome her into my home, that is not the problem. The problem, or sandwich factor you could call it, is the role reversal that has occurred over the course of Dad's hospitalization and death. Mom has become dependent on me much like my own child. She is unable to make simple decisions for herself, take care of necessary arrangements and seems to have lost most of her common sense. My hopes of being able to depend on her to even put a dish back in the same place twice are rapidly declining and I'm not sure I'm up for the challenge of being confined to living in such close quarters with an infant, a six year old and a 65 year old that need me to be their Mom!

I pray for strength and patience. I pray that my Mom will continue to heal since the loss of my Dad, her soul mate, because as much as I feel sad for her immeasurable loss I find it hard to tolerate just how much it has changed her.

I hope I don't sound selfish here. It's a bit difficult to explain. All I can say is that the strength of character and sense of independent self that I possess today is a direct reflection of the woman who raised me. To see it crumble away and find her so uncertain about simple decisions makes me worry for her and fear how long it will take for her rebuild herself and fear for how well I will cope when I have another, equally needy, generation to care for.

So I hope that the bread is at least whole wheat, because Lord knows I'm going to need the fibre to flush out the daily shit I'm going to be putting up with!

For someone who totes herself as being a writer, I sure suck at this blogging thing. Maybe I'll get better as time goes one, but with a bun in the oven and a boy about embark on completing his 5th year of life....I'm thinking not.

On the "crazy cat lady" front, I'm sad to announce that we are down one cat and likely to be down a second before the end of the month. I'm betting that our future likely holds the addition of another, or perhaps the return of one...we'll see.

We went to North Myrtle Beach South Carolina for Christmas and when we returned the missing cat - Oreo, a black and white male we "adopted" from our next door neighbours after watching him get too skinny living in our shed and after asking them if they were ever going to let him back in. Anyway, as I was saying, when we returned Oreo appeared to be suffering from a cold. We think it was starting before we left because he had a series of falls - fell off the top of the cat stand hitting the shelf below him, cracking it and consequently ripping up his back, as well as falling off of the ledge that runs along the stairs to the basement. I think that was the beginning of an infection causing his imbalance, considering the cat lived outside for over a year and jumped on top of our shed a number of times! So, we came home after being away for 12 days (don't call animal control we had a friend come in every couple of days to feed, water and clean litter boxes for us) to find his nose and eyes all crusty and a distinct cough and wheeze. Of course we returned on the evening of December 30th which meant only animal hospitals were open for the next 4 days and unfortunately we don't have the funds for that kind of care for a cat. (Love them dearly, but even a crazy cat lady has her limits!) So we did our best to research on the great www and tried to keep him clean, dry and comfortable. Well, we tried, honest. But while returning with loads of groceries on Jan 2 the little bugger came out of no where and dashed out the door than ran across the lawn as a 5 month pregnant me chased after him, meanwhile he only looked behind him as though I was some sort of demon with two heads. I am pretty sure the cat had the beginnings of dementia on top of everything else. So off he went, and there was no catching him.

Unfortunately our weather has turned pretty cold overnight and all of the www sites indicate that we should keep cats with colds warm. Being in the -ves with a windchill does not constitute keeping a cat warm. Unfortunately we have not seen him or any evidence of him on the freshly fallen snow in the last several days. :( Pretty sure at this point his mad dash was not a dash towards freedom of oppression from living indoors, but a dash towards a quiet existence while waiting for the great beyond to call him. If nothing else I'm pretty sure with the temps and no shelter (we've since repaired our shed and there is no way in) that there is a sad little Ocicle somewhere waiting for spring thaw. Loved the little furball, but if it was his time, it was his time. And I'm certainly not in a fit state to be wandering around the neighbourhood looking for him. I think it's one of those “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” (Thank you Richard Bach for those words of wisdom).

Cat #2 - well this one comes from a dear friend who moved back with her folks so that her and her husband could save up money for a new home. It was supposed to be a one year deal, it's been about 18 months now and they don't get possession of their new home until Dec 2010...I'm not really upset about the length of time we have had her. I'd take in any cat for any length of time and treat it as my own. If kids were that easily come by, I'd have a half dozen of those in my house too (we might need a bit more than the slightly shy of 1100 sq feet that we have but what the hey, I'm sure we'd find a way to figure it out!) So, back to Abbey. She has her quirks. She came from a single cat household, into a definitely multi-cat household. She adjusted fairly well, as did everyone else. On occassion she attempted to claim ruler over the household, but it didn't really work that well. A few spits and spats here and there, but she definitely was not "top dog" so to speak. Anyway, since returning from the aforementioned vacation, she has been expressing her continued displeasure with being the low cat on the totem pole. In such ways that include crawling up on my lap making like she wants to cuddle but instead drops a full load - a stinky bomb of cat poop right there on my lap! That in and of itself should be grounds for divorce - something along the lines of irreconcilable differences I do believe! But she has continued to express herself in the following ways - peeing in the kitchen, pooping at the top of the stairs, pooping and peeing directly infront of one of the four litter boxes we have set up for our multi-cat household and climbing into the front hall closet to puke on my shoes!

So I've been forced to breach the unbreachable subject with my dear friend and inform her that her cat has behaviour issues that need to be worked out. My solution, find a new home. One that has no cat. I know that will be difficult for them, but I must remind myself and you "humble readers" )a phrase I've copped from a blog that I follow) that the cat has far outstayed her welcome and SHE POOPED ON MY LAP!!!! I of course hope it doesn't mean sudden death for her, but honestly if she was mine, we'd be headed to the vets for her to great the great beyond and meet up with the missing Ocicle or heading to an animal shelter...The stench of cat feces and urine is not something I enjoy nor wish to continue enduring.

Further considerations include that my Mom is moving in with us in February and Baby Boy #2 is due late April early May. (Yes 3 adults, soon to be 2 children and at least 3 cats living in a 3 bedroom semi that is under 1100 sq ft. - I believe that adds the capital "C" in Crazy to my self defining description) Hmm, maybe we should get a dog if we are down to only 3 cats. I'll be home on Mat leave in the spring and can house train!

Jumping on the bandwagon

But everyone else is doing it... That one never flew for my mother, or myself but for some reason it seems like the right kind of "trendy" thing for me to be doing. I am one of those people who never quite seems to be at a loss for words, and have been told that I have a great "tone" for blogging. So I'm giving it a whirl.

Of course, the "staring at the blank page" syndrome seems to have my tonight. I suppose I'm feeling a little on the spot, feeling like I need to preform spectacularly this opening night otherwise my potential faithful companions will want nothing to do with me. I'm sure there will be more to come. Forcing myself to write on a regular basis can only be a good thing. Of course I do realize that the nature of blogs are just to be the random ramblings of thoughts on an individuals mind and do not necessarily have to wow the masses, I am an over achiever by nature and can't help but imagine I'll come back and edit this at a later date when I've had time to think up what should be my "real" opening blog!

Considering this is mostly hidden at the time, I don't think I'm at any great risk for embarrassment.